Don't mind me , I've been dead for years.

Don't mind me , I've been dead for years.

I remember exactly the time it was when I realized I was "less-than". 2:30 am.

When I realized that the "Hobbies" had become the core of the Life Source and I was no longer needed.

When I became just a fixture as well as a burden instead of an integral part of anything.

When I began to forget the basics and started to notice my replacements, the things that were more important and pleasant than my broken self. 

Deeply embarrassed and ashamed that I have nothing, I am nothing, nothing to offer.

From dawn 'till dusk the Life Source "viewed", things that were not necessary, became obsessed with things that were not necessary and more often than not, ignored Me and the responsibilities that were necessary.

It was terribly painful to watch from afar as you were either being ignored, told you were annoying or witnessed your Driving Force hoover and fawn over "others points of interest".

The drive is gone, the will has vanished and I am so very tired. 

I am not without fault, my moral compass is questionable and the qualities that made me pleasurable are long since gone.

I always knew the end would come, it comes for us all, I just never thought I would be replaced out of existence.

The Life Force started with nothing, so I gave my heart, soul, love, joy, pain, hate, and never asked for anything but equality in exchange.  That's the risk of always hoping your right but knowing deep down that you were wrong from day one.

I once was a warrior with the courage of my conviction, now walking is hard. It should get easier to slip into non-existence once you realize you are gone.

Grease, Vans and and broken decks...a love story.

What do I miss these days? 

Well I suppose the hardest things to replace are the feeling of invincibility, the lack of groaning when I get out of bed, missing people who are no longer with us but made us better just for knowing them.  First love, first heartbreak, obsession, mix tapes for the object of your obsession.  Being the Big Sister, the chick that got to hang out with guys and get greasy, dirty and sweaty.

The faint odors of the Tognotti's warehouse and the VP fuel in the back, the far-off sound of Sac Raceway and pooling our ducketts for Avgas from Phoenix Field. 

Being the first woman on the parts counter in over 22 years at a highly respected race shop and not having the OG's question your knowledge...well that's an honor no matter if you sit or stand to piss.

Winning your class in a major car show and not even realizing it because you were just so damn excited to even be AT the show in the first place.

Cruising the SR Mall before it got shut down, then Bird Cage (when it still had birds) before it got shut down, then the Sunrise/Madison/ GBL loop before they shut us down. 

Swiss Bones smoothly caressing each other along the faint lonely sound of a carefully molded half-pipe.  The sandy swish of the BMX track in Roseville and the enthusiasm of the invincible kids.  The drop down gate still sticks, to this day, and even though it's dangerous, we've all taken a tumble and ended up with a mouth full of dirt.

Those of you locals old enough to remember, will give a respectful nod to GoSkate and all those blanks that my brother destroyed, as well as the whole chickens being hurled around Pollo Ole' where the worlds best guac was made every day, thanks Mara, we miss you.

Then later, VW's and L-Dog, both a bit dangerous and keeping Shorty busy at Bugformance. Hitting  up a Taco Bell anywhere in SacTown only to find a "FSU" sticker on the menu board.

The smell of new Vans fresh out of the box only to keep wearing your "Vandals" until they literally fell of your feet.  F & L beer, nuff' said on that. Op's, Vuarnetts, Arnetts (this always slays me).  K-Swiss, Powell Peralta shirts and 501's for $9.99 at Mervyn's.

Watching 'Suburbia' and secretly wishing you were part of that crew while shitting yourself wondering if it could actually happen to you.

Stickers . On . Everything.

Kids playing outside 'till it was dark.

Making due without, making something out of nothing, crashing on the floor of the party house, scrounging for change at the drive-thru, trying not to stutter when you got pulled over.

Film that required developing.  Polaroids.  Wanting a Rico's flying saucer size pizza, getting Little Caesar's instead.  When a can of soda was enough. 

Folsom Lake. Bonfires, kegs, boom boxes, oh and...Park rangers.  Scatter! 

Most importantly I long for a time with no cell phones or texting, no selfies or selfie sticks, no Instagram, Facebook, SnapChat, Tinder, Vine or Twitter.  In fact, if some one had said "Oh that's gold!  I gotta post that on FB and Tweet it to see how many likes/re-tweets I get."  They may or may not have ended up inverted in a waste receptacle at some point.

I miss politeness, respect, Saturday morning cartoons, cars that you can actually hear, and a time where parents coddling their "special snowflake" was frowned upon, because life is tough as hell and Skyping your best bud isn't the same as sitting on the porch with a cold one when your 14 year old dog dies.

Folks, in order to have a successful civilization one must know how to be 'civil' in the first place.  That includes saying please and thank you, acting for the greater good instead of ones self and lending a helping hand.

I think my brother Charlie summed up today's society when he said "Everyone wants to be involved, but nobody wants to be bothered."  He also says we should chin-check it and hug it out when it's over.  My husband thinks smacking some folks in the head with a shovel may help on a scientific level...but that's for another time.

I miss yesterday, because today it's all one big office party where the only one who cares, buys the Birthday Girl a cake and a card.  Everyone grabs some cake, signs the card and doesn't chip in or is actually sure who 'Phyllis in Accounting' is in the first place.

If you need me, I'll be in my garage, sobbing and clutching my last unbroken deck to my chest (a Zero with the flag screened on it), and a set of Independent trucks in the other and wondering exactly how Tony Hawk became 48, or better yet...when, exactly did I turn 50?

...and then she got her wish

People always say, "be careful what you wish for". Literally the day after I wrote my last post I shattered my leg, December 10th, 2012. I wished for peace and quiet and was granted 4 months of mandatory bed rest along with all the silence I could handle. Oh and an added bonus, surgery and bolts (not pins mind you) in my leg. And my Mom came to visit exactly twice, that's it.


Damien took up all my chores and his full time job. Christmas, New Years, Valentine's Day, St. Patrick's Day, my birthday, all cancelled. As it turns out, I am the only one who really cares about that crap so in essence we saved a ton of money and we are blacklisted by Hallmark.

I am fully booked through June as the weddings come in one by one (at least some folks still celebrate stuff). Excited brides full of ideas and hope, glowing, radiant...pssshhhhh. I never got the full wedding experience either time I was married, hell I'm a florist and I didn't even have flowers at my second wedding, shit happens.

Now I can walk unassisted, albeit with a limp, adorable if you’re a pirate, not so cute on a 47-year-old mom. I am currently looking into an eye patch and a parrot because life without the proper accessories isn't worth living. I have also hung some things on my walls for the first time since 2006, anyone who knows me knows that I am a weirdo when it comes to stuff on my walls. I would explain it if I knew the answer myself.

I wish I had more interesting things to share, I don't. Everyone I know is having, had or planning on kids and here I sit inching slowly towards mentalpause, because just being insane isn't enough, noooo ya gotta be crazy too. I want to be awesome and creative, have a garden and plan my trip to Disneyland. I want to go water-skiing and have cocktails precisely at 7, go "glamping" (look it up, it's fantastic!) and shop somewhere besides thrift stores.

That's what I'm wishing for this time, because now we all know what happened last time I made a wish.

Alone in a room full of people

What happens when you wake up one day and everything you were absolutely, positively sure about was, well...wrong. The people in your life weren't who you thought, the things you believed in became unbelievable and you even second guessed the things you saw and heard.

I miss the days of "personal anarchy", where I could get away with being brutal because I at least had the courage of my conviction. Now I feel old, broken and tired. Especially my heart.

Nothing is easy anymore, there are no simple tasks. Part of my life's biggest joy was helping others. But after a while when every phone call began with "I need...", well I just up and changed my phone number, I just snapped, and not in that dramatic "mascara running down my face, scotch in one hand, cigarette in the other wearing a vintage slip and marabou slippers" kind of way. I snapped in the most horrid way I could think of, lucid and completely sober and 100% sure of my actions.

I love who I love and that will never change but I cannot force people to want me instead of need me. My house is amazingly quiet now and it's going to be hard to get used to it. If I could just get my head to pipe down things would be smooth indeed.

Oh, and who knew that my Husband would turn out to be the Hero in all of this? I think it has to do with the uniform.

Ignoring me to my face

So my husband finally talked me into getting a "smart phone".  To preface, they literally give me a panic attack and it drives me utterly insane to watch a room full of "friends" ignore each other while they fondle their phones and obviously text their "more important friends", all while ignoring you politely within their cyber bubble. 

Why do we need this much media ALL the time?  I mean, really...what do you do with it?  I liked my old, cracked, purple cell.  It wasn't the size of a small freaking laptop, the camera lens was scratched, it could text.  I wasn't slick or fancy.

This fucking phone is a giant electronic leash, tugging at my cranium, I can feel it lurking in my purse, waiting for me to fall asleep, and then morphing into that little psycho phone from Transformers, only to eat it's way into my brain and turn me into a phone clutching, GPS implanted freak.

I want to take this little SOB back-NOW!  I thought I could learn to love it, but after tonight, being in that room full of friends and pulling that menacing little shit from my bag just so I would have something to do, I feel justified in it's return to the mother ship.

A man recently got run over by a subway car, the guy snapping away with his phone never even tried to pull him up...but you bet he sold that pic in a hot minute. 

I admittedly spend more than my fair share on the comp, I am an insomniac, I don't get out much, when I do visit, I enjoy actual interaction, fuck even Steven Hawking will talk to you.  When my husband is home he has that phone in his hand about 80% of the time, I have learned to talk to the back of his head.

I would rather have someone I care about tell me to fuck off and walk away then to ignore me to my face.

This girl

I miss this girl. She wasn't afraid of anything. She had passion and creativity, she gave a shit.

Every now and then I think about her, she was really fun, reckless, but fun. Starting as many fires as she put out, the first to admit it and the last one to know. Change your oil or your mind, made no difference, she was always up to it.

This chick loved horses, dogs and kids, getting dirty by cleaning up messes and never turning down anything shiny.

She dug glitter and grease equally. Cupcakes or caviar with indifference, "it all tastes yummy" is what she would say. She fit in with white trash or blue bloods at high tea, cowboys at high noon and the "Creatures" beyond midnight.

But Stevie had it right all along and rulers really do make bad lovers, so she put her kingdom up for sale. L'amour, l'amour.

Yup I miss her sometimes...maybe, after she pawned her crown, her edges softened and she found someone to mellow out for. I wish her the best, and I love her. She taught me everything I know.

ICU and you and you too...

I spent yet another holiday in ICU. Oh joy. It was all very nonchalant this time. I made friends with the nurses, phlebotomists and doctors. I learned valuable tactical skills needed to maneuver with double IV lines. I also learned that when your a Martian like I am you need medical care sooner than earthlings do...*snicker*.

I do believe that I am done with all this medical nonsense and that I need to turn over a new leaf. My arms look like I am a junkie and I came home with 30 pounds of water weight, all of which has been properly dispersed, thank you very much.

I am off for a much needed haircut and hopefully back to work next week.