I thought it was going to be different than it is...but it's not. I am the married "spinster". The one that is only good for helping others. A distant friend said to me once: "Your plate is always full, but none of it is ever for you." She was right. One of my favorite quotes is one of my own: "Life requires less living than I thought it would." A truer statement has never been uttered. This is one of the bad nights, full of bitterness, remorse and regrets. I miss my dog.
(I started writing this last September, when I was feeling sorry for myself).
Oddly enough tonight, 5 months later and still missing Maggie-Jo, I mourn the loss of our puppy Veronica "Ronnie" Jean, who passed away this evening of unknown causes. Although I am not bitter or full of regrets tonight, but I am empty and so, so sad. She was to say the least, interesting and very lively, not to mention opinionated, as Heelers often are.
I was holding her as the life left her body, feeling helpless and scared...when something odd happened, I broke down all the way to my core, my heart just cracked. She was not even a year old, and she just "broke", I am usually very strong in these situations, I fell to the ground, Carole told Damien to "Get her out of here!" He held me and told me to quit apologizing, and that it wasn't my fault, I had done everything I could. He is a kind man and I love him for it.
My kind man wept while driving home, about forty miles. As we approached our driveway he became inconsolable, and said "I don't know which is worse, the fact that when I walk in she won't be there or explaining this all to Archie" (our 5 year old male). Archie had held patient watch over his girl for the last 48 hours, and he would try to find her...my heart ached for the men in my life.
About four a.m. yesterday morning, I took a knee and asked "whom ever was in charge of little red Heelers" to "cut her a break", and I warbled out a quiet little prayer. Some would say it went unanswered, but I think allowing her a fast release I the arms of Daddy and Mommy was the answer I got.
You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need. She "needed" to be released from suffering, so I thank whomever is in charge of little red Heelers from the bottom of my very broken heart.
Veronica "Ronnie"-Jean April 1, 2010 - February 13, 2011 Rest in peace Miss Jean.
